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On regret...

[00:00:00] I thought it was so apropo today on April 4th to talk about sorrow. So I was just, listen to this podcast, the Good Life Project, and he has Susan Kane on today, and it was about her book called Bitterness. How? Sorrow helps the world, something like that. But it was really reflective for me because today's April 4th, 2022. 

On April 4th, 2008, I gave birth to my second child. Here's where I'm going with this. I hate the whole notion of like, just look at the bright side or like look at the glasses half full, because I feel like that makes things pithy and tries to package things that are really deeply sorrowful in a way. 

That seems easy, like no big deal. Just look at the bright side and it's such a big deal. It's so hard to do that. This book seems to imply more that the bittersweet, while none of us want it, . If we had our choice, of course we'd get rid of it. But the fact is it exists and that very much resonates with what I've always [00:01:00] said, which is like the shit is the shit. 

You can't change it often. You can change your response to the shit, right? That's how you can be looking at the glasses half full. None of this is easy. So if you sit here and are listening to me and you say, oh, it's hard, I'm gonna say, yeah, it's hard. I got you. It's hard, but what she talks about in this book is that this is the shared human experience. 

And it really just struck me because on April 4th, 2008, I had my first C-section for my second baby, which seemed simple enough except that it was my ninth preg, my, sorry, my eighth pregnancy. And so I had had two miscarriages, then Xander, my first son, with a really challenging vaginal delivery. Um, and then I had had four miscarriage. 

And all I wanted at that point was not even like I needed another child. I really wanted a sibling for Xander because I have a sibling. We're really close and I just felt like that was really valuable to me. So I kept thinking, I feel like I can have one more child. Let me keep trying. By the time I got to my eighth pregnancy, I started bleeding very early in the first trimester and I went to [00:02:00] the doctors who were helping me, the fertility doctors at rma, shout out to RMA and I said, I'm having another miscarriage. 

Help me get through this. I was having no trouble getting pregnant. I was merely having trouble keeping the pregnancies and I said, I think I've got like one more pregnancy and me left after. I'm just gonna say I am. And just felt, you know, sad but lucky enough to have one. Lo and behold, that eighth pregnancy that I thought I was miscarrying was actually a second twin. 

And that might sound flippant, and I don't mean to sound like, oh, it was a second twin and no big deal. But I just felt truly so like grateful that there was even one heartbeat and the second twin did not have a heartbeat. And I was okay with that because I really just wanted to have, like I said, a sibling for my child. 

That was a hard pregnancy because I was still all big and 230 to 250 pounds. I was bleeding a lot during the pregnancy, and it turns out that that beautiful boy had a clubfoot. So there was some stress involved, but compared to my first pregnancy where it was even more stressful. , listen, like I [00:03:00] say all the time, it's all relative. 

So I gave birth on April 4th, and this is where this morning's podcast and today really helped kind of create a, a feeling for what I want to convey. She quotes in this book, , this Jewish expression, I guess in the Talmud. And for those of you who listen to any of my stories this week, you know, I was in Tel Aviv, but I'm not Jewish. 

But I find the teachings of all of the great works of any religion to be really fascinating and interesting because they apply to all of us. And there's a saying that goes something like save one life and you've saved the world, or something to that effect. And so I think that that's the value in this, right? 

Susan Cain in this book talks about bittersweetness and how it's just a fact, so we have to accept it and that the bittersweetness is actually what highlights the beauty in our lives and that we need to, if we really want to move through these things, kind of turn, I forgot her exact quote, but turn the angst into something beautiful. 

And so I feel like my [00:04:00] experience. Now nine pregnancies and three children, because I went on to have another baby after that as a surprise. But at the time, eight pregnancies and only two babies to show for it. It sucked. Let's face it, miscarriages suck. They're emotional, they're horrible. I don't wish them on anybody. 

Um, but. The beauty within that suck was that I learned how to really emote with my patients. I'd like to believe I would've emoted anyway. Um, but of course I emoted more because I know what it's like and I know all the things that people say that annoy you. Like just stop stressing or maybe if you didn't try so hard, or all those annoying things that are said to you and all these things that are said subtly that you take as blame for what's happened or you take as karma for what's happened. 

And so, If I had to go through all those, then the, the suck at least led me to be able to bond with my patients even better. Not to mention, and I've said this several times, if I hadn't had those other six miscarriages, I would not have the two [00:05:00] boys that I have. If those four little embryos didn't miscarry before Keon, then I wouldn't have Keon now, and he's the one that I want because he's the one that I have, and today he's 14 and I love and value that child. 

He is an amazing. , wonderful, dreadful kid like many of them are. And what I've loved every single one of those other six miscarriages, of course, but I don't know those ones. They're out there. I believe they're on the other side. Those little souls are there, but they didn't move on and this earthly life. 

And so my little nuggets for today on my child's 14th birthday are, When the suck happens, which it will inevitably for me and for you and for everyone we know, no one is getting out of this earthly life unscathed. No one, not one person. Whether or not they tell you or they show it. They've gone through it and they will go through it, and that's the horrible part of life. 

But, and I've said this several times, if I hadn't had those other six miscarriages, I would not have the two boys that I have. [00:06:00] If those four little embryos didn't miscarry before Keon, then I wouldn't have Keon now. And he's the one that I want because he's the one that I have, and today he's 14 and I love and value that child. 

He is an amazing. , wonderful, dreadful kid like many of them are, and what I've loved every single one of those other six miscarriages, of course, but I don't know those ones, they're out there. I believe they're on the other side. Those little souls are there, but. , they didn't move on in this earthly life. 

And so my little nuggets for today on my child's 14th birthday are that when the suck happens, which it will inevitably for me and for you and for everyone we know, no one is getting out of this earthly life unscathed. No one, not one person. Whether or not they tell you or they show it, they've gone through it and they will go through it, and that's the horrible part of life.